Neocities.org

Late night rambling! Let me know if you can connect with any of this, I'd love to talk about it!! <3

OH and I changed the background of this month's diary! I like the light twinkling effect ; __ ;

I think it's very natural that you'd want there to be little discrepancy between how you perceive yourself & how others perceive you & you shouldn't think too hard about it. I normally feel the opposite of the feeling you've described & feel as though I'm in a perpetual state of change.

@vashti I agree on both accounts tbh!! It's something I should let go and not feel I have to justify to others. It's something I've been trying to unlearn, but for a whole time I lived like I had something to prove and I can fall into those patterns sometimes. The last few years I feel like I've changed a lot to, but mostly for better. It's fascinating to watch yourself grow over time, just like everything else does!

I think rather than seeing it as some sort of justification, you should frame it as authenticity; You're wanting to be authentic & true & there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's commendable & shows that you have self confidence.

I feel really similarly. I often want people to know the truest version of myself, but I let the worst parts of myself out due to mental illness or sleep deprivation or some other silly thing. And then I feel like I have to work really hard to let people know the "truest" version of myself again even if the part of myself I displayed is technically me too.

It's very obvious with family and friends I've known for years. My tastes and interests and personality evolved quite a bit within the last two years, and as a result, I get a lot of recommendations for things I would've liked as a teenager that I've outgrown now.

@vashti, you are very kind and I appreciate your thoughtful insight. This is a beautiful way to reframe and you're right! At its core it's all about wanting to express the most authentic version of yourself, huh? Thank you, I will keep this in mind!! ♡♡

Are you perhaps worried that others won't accept your changes? Like someone might say, "oh no, I liked the old version better!" Do you need reassurance that, no matter how your beliefs evolve, you can still be loved for the Essence of Sarah at your core? You dont have to answer here and maybe I'm totally off the mark. Just something to think about.

@ophanimkei the shift from your teen years into emerging adulthood can especially be rife with change imo. It's a big time for exploring your identity and since others aren't privy to your internal world, they still have that particular impression of you. It can be hard!!

@ophanimkei it can be hard feeling like you're being authentic when burdened with things like mental illness and sleep deprivation too... it's easier said than done, but I think it's important to be forgiving of yourself for the times you've been hurting ♡

@vivarism hmm, this is interesting food for thought, I appreciate your questions!! That might be a part of it, and I have felt that fear of rejection in the past, but I think in this example it's like the fear of being perceived as flakey lest I "justify" myself?