it makes sense that i don't know how to do a lot, it makes sense that my fears overwhelm me entirely because anxiety makes me sick and i'm already always kinda sick, it makes sense that not every day is a good day for me and not every day i'm able to get a photo or even write or even act human. it makes sense. i'm not normal, but i'm not weak

i have figured something out, though!! there is -- only sometimes, but often enough :)) -- a pattern, with my good days and bad. bad; i didn't sleep well and i ate out or ate just before going out / trying to go out. good; i slept okay and i ate either after going out or at home and then waited a while to go out

i would love to not have to eat at all so i can feel good all the time but unfortunately the opposite would happen

...someone please let me know if my site is inaccessible!! i want to know. i will figure out how to add a warning later, for know i just want to know if i somehow missed something

hey, so, I'm a mother, and all the stuff in the first part is stuff mothers are supposed to do w/o question for our kids. you don't owe her anything for it bc it was her choice to have you and, therefore, her choice to do all those things for you. you deserve to be treated *well*, not simply kept alive. be strong <3

nothing changed at home, by the way, not notably so. i actually should've done this a while ago. i've been really strangely lucky, which is part of why i've been feeling like i'm waiting for something bad to happen...i feel safer now. i'll feel really safe once g**gle updates its search results to fully divest that name from this website

i'm not extremely happy about this, though. it feels like lying, or masking a part of myself i wanted to share. i really liked that name. please, feel free to continue to mentally associate it with me. it will return

I can relate to this. It's unfortunate that sometimes safety trumps all other concerns, but I hope you find yourself in a better situation soon <3

damn i should be this careful, idk how to feel abt the fact if my parents came across my site they'd instantly know its me. ig i cant really gaf anymore my need to breathe reigns supreme

If it's needless, then just don't think too much about it. Take a rest, take a walk, whatever helps you take your mind off of things.

ok genuinely exploring this kind of therapy helped me a lot: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-ifs-therapy-internal-family-systems-therapy-5195336

also - even if $ for therapy is not an option, which for me it hasn't been lately, just kinda going through the idea and strategies in IFS help me out. obv it's different for everyone but hey, maybe it'll help out

okay @ fishgallery i guess i've been feeling guilty for blogging ngl. telling the truth about...some stuff. because my mother has been so hurt in the past by me telling other places online, my friends, therapists, etc., she's gotten me to correct myself to them (even the therapists) etc. i guess i'm scared of her somehow discovering i'm still "lying" (telling the truth)

Know what you want, and make the decision you can live with. You can change your mind anytime you want.

i know i have a commitment to being extremely honest and not exaggerating. i know that although i've been accused of lying for telling the truth, i know what the difference is. i have to tell the truth. i have to have a space to tell the truth. i can't live without it @lotus-cube

It really sucks that you have to go through this. I heard you updated your website name, so i hope you can get back to guilt free blogging soon.