i miss this shit so much. i just hate knowing i don't really have privacy. privacy isn't really a thing online at all, but i know i've mentioned, it's entirely possible someone from my old life could find me here, and i mean, i can't truly password-protect my website without a server side to things, and i don't have that. but i miss this, so much
8 likes
I was a bit less active on the social side here and I only noticed you gone far too late. I'm sorry. I was happy to read you were able to move away from a terrible situation and that things have started to look up a little. I hope you keep doing well, you deserve that!
7 likes
benny1548132
1 month ago
um i. was not able to move out of my parents' home. if you are referring to metaphysically moving away from being prepared to die then yeah i am more willing to live now. i am working on the moving out thing. those two things are related i think. also. no harm no foul. you can still email me bro and even if you don't i still have a soft spot in me for those that actually care about me. we good
1 like
i'm still alive & will continue to live. something maybe-good happened for once! i'm just starting to regret even my small amount of...not even 'fame,' but 'being known.' i don't know if i like it. i regret that i was never allowed, never allowed myself, to be average, non-special. as a teenager, i wrote...somewhere else, mainly for my family. now, i write for myself, i have for years, but there's still that feeling
10 likes
benny1548132
1 month ago
that i'm not actually connecting with anyone, i'm just sort of being watched....i want to tear the things that make me knowable, even across platforms, apart like a rabid dog....i have an idea. i need a break. i might come back later, but most of you won't know.
6 likes
benny1548132
1 month ago
i need to bury myself, in a maybe-good way. i realized not too long ago that there's a possibility that someone could've followed me from an old Inst*gram to the last account i was active on before i deleted it to Spacehey to here. that scares me. next time i resurface, if i do, i won't want to be so easy to recognize, and i won't announce it, i'll email or message people personally.
6 likes
benny1548132
1 month ago
for a good chunk of you, this really is goodbye. i'm not sorry (i kinda am, but). this is something i feel i have to do.
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i've been holding back on deleting/archiving my website because i figured i had to at least wait until i could tell the maybe-three people here who actually care about me i got out & i'm living a better life. and so i'm so sorry to those maybe-three people
6 likes
benny1548132
1 month ago
but i see no reason to hold out until that point anymore because it was always a hypothetical and i just don't think it's coming anymore. i just don't think a better life is coming. i think this is it
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i'm turning my profile comments off. i don't want to use them anymore. nothing bad happened, i just want to force myself to use the little status underneath my portrait for short stuff & the blog for long stuff, and similarly, i want to force people with something to say to use the guestbook! or my email. old-school style
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hey, to my homies whose site background moves/blinks/does the crt filter thing, can you. can you. make a version that doesn't do that? no, no, i'm not the authority here, i'm not telling you you can't. i'm not commanding it. i'm asking, for you to have an option to turn it off, an option. because i like your website and i want to look at it without getting a migraine or like. a twitchy eye or some shit
7 likes
benny1548132
2 months ago
this isn't even about website accessibility as a movement or standard and i am definitely not entitled enough to tell you what to do or how to format shit. i'm being selfish, see? selfish. it's just for me. it's just this
2 likes
badgraph1csghost
2 months ago
fwiw crt effects make text hard to focus on and the contrast in colour saturation gives me a headache. improperly formatted effects that tile instead of scroll can also induce epileptic seizures in people who are prone to them. if you're good enough at css to have that shit work in the first place, you can probably do a little javascripting to turn it off when needed. (honestly why have it at all imo)
2 likes
1 like
never mind about that blog post about identity stuff. i can write about certain identity labels or why i use them, one at a time, when i want to, when it's pertinent to something...real. trying to do them all at once apropos of nothing, it kind of got so hard to articulate, i got so frustrated with myself....
5 likes
benny1548132
3 months ago
identity stuff matters. it also does not matter. does anyone understand what i'm trying to say
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i can't lie down fully horizontally outside. on a hill or whtvr is fine. otherwise i start fearing i'm gonna fall upwards into the sky because there's nothing holding me down
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i added new albums to the albums page :)) (holy shit i love music i could marry and have sex with music)
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Where your eyes don't go, a filthy scarecrow waves its broomstick arms / And does a parody of each unconscious thing you do
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i'm so fucking bored and the hole i need to fill is getting wider. whatever. goodbye again
Hug a gug gug