i had to literally beg my parents for extra time on my computer tonight, to write. and as i did i felt so small & infantile & whiny
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if you want to help me out with my website, which is something that means a lot to me, take a look at my testpage: https://benny1548132.nekoweb.org/testpage.html and let me know if you have any tips or code snippets i can use! and yes, i could technically do some of this now, more or less, but i...don't know how, anyway.
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sometimes i pull up a photo of an ex just to prove to myself i was seen like that once. i've gotta stop doing that, especially because my camera roll doesn't reset to recent photos by default, i...took a look at someone from a few years ago last night, and i opened my phone again this morning and whaddya know? there he was again. the photo, i mean. i know, i've really gotta stop that. if i hadn't done it last night,
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benny1548132
2 days ago
though, i would've done something worse. i feel like complete shit. i hate myself and everything else. nothing's notably worse and things might finally be getting better if i stop being lazy, but i just feel awful. hell. i need other ways to prove to myself i'm a real person.
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benny1548132
2 days ago
....i mean, even he wouldn't want me to do that. i've gotta find another way.
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lotus-cube
1 day ago
We luv you, find a picture of some flowers and look at that pls. It's okay to hurt.
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i'm so tired of their anger. so tired of them shouting at me that it's time to 'TURN YOUR LIGHTS OFF NOW.' i feel so old. i'm too old for this
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tfw you hav a friend over and your parents are telling each other and you off and calling you pet names and there's tension building in front of your friend and everyone thinks it's someone else's fault except for me cause i know it's my fault and i wanna crawl into a hole and die there
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still got this fuck ass cough.......
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new blogs (plural) (i've posted a few in a row recently)
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benny1548132
2 weeks ago
i'm kind of tired of doing this. not blogging, but blogging about blogging, basically. why don't you guys just make a commitment to go and check every so often?
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obviously, what ICE is doing is terrible, and Nazi-like, yes. and i need you all to know that the Nazis learned from the u.s., and how they captured, tortured, killed, & 'owned' runaway slaves and indigenous people. may not be articulating this well but violence is foundational to the u.s. and it should not surprise you and it is not new and your race/domestic loyalty will not save you
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benny1548132
2 weeks ago
...oh, the things white people will do for white people. yeah, the murders were unjust & tragic, and seeing even the most superficial, passive people who normally don't do shit but clutch their pearls up in arms about this is so...pissing me off
new blog (and if you recognize some of it nuh-uh you don't i deleted that draft/page for a reason)
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i really do want to share my art (painting, for me, specifically, that means painting & digital art, but mostly painting) and non-blog writing, but that'll have to wait until i'm in a safer place.
"Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly" - G.K. Chesterton. In other words... Just do it. Content is key and you can make the content look prettier later.
yeah, i know. that's what i'm talking about. i'm in the now, talking about the later. it's okay for me to ask for help. also, please don't call what i do "content" ever again.
thank you, though, for the faith you seem to have in me
I guess i'll call it "lovely things" because it's special to you! but not content. no.
god, that's very kind of you to say