the autistic urge to fret about misrepresenting myself 🧍‍♂️ Feeling profoundly ineloquent and agitated today

i'm not transmasc but i feel like finding my spot in the furry fandom (lol) was actually one of the best things that i've done for my gender tbh. the amount of under-represented trans bodies i've seen drawn by some furry artists is actually so amazing. and i'm sure it's the same for some non-furry artists out there too.

on another note, personally, when i see an older trans person, it actually makes me happier than anything else. something about seeing a trans person just survive and love life is so nice and they always seem so happy in their bodies (whether that be with the aged or trans parts)

@transferns omg, I forgot to even mention/consider trans representation in art! Do you care if I screencap your first comment and tack it on the end of the post?

not at all!! i'd love for you to!

Thank you so much 😊 I've added it in.

55 hits home like. sometimes when random people online are sexist, like saying "gg man" i feel affirmed, but then they say something like "or woman idk" and even though it's technically being more inclusive, i'll be damned if it doesn't feel like a stab in the chest 😭😭 random sexist stranger perks (???)

@niicespiice omg, "gg man" goes incredibly hard, very affirming for me personally

I love the fandom badges you have on your index!! Do you have a link to the original source?? 👀👀

oh, shoot, yes!! I accidentally removed the link. Here's a centralized place: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1Q6LqU2nnnU60ARfc4NPdPbpCMIMl6WSDP_NWomr5OB4/edit?pli=1&gid=1004256205#gid=1004256205 For the fandoms it didn't already have, I had to use the custom button maker from the main website (https://idbuttons.neocities.org/)

@swiftred ahhh thank you for sharing, I'm definitely gonna add some to my blinkie/badge/etc collection page!! * __ *

also forgot to write this, but microblog #52 and #33 resonate a lot. thank you :)

@notesfromearth I really appreciate you telling me that, thank you <33

do you care if I link to 52 in my blog post or would you prefer no

@ocrevol totally cool with that :)

write in notes app on phone without any formatting and then go back and add it once your pc is chargable again. good luck!!

I’ll do that :) thanks!!

ok this is gonna seem like it's in response to this journal but it's not it's just a synchronicity I've been thinking about it all day. But I wanted to tell u that ur recent posts inspired me to start writing (and SHARING) fanfic again for the first time in I'm pretty sure more than a decade and I want to say THANK U for that :)))

also its genuinely wild to me how often I'll be having vague thoughts that I can't be bothered to sit down and externalise in a coherent manner and then within a day or so you'll drop a post that is those same thoughts. Mind blown on a weekly basis fr

my impression of you is that you are a very thoughtful/interesting/sincere/kind person + find your ability to rationally self-analyze very impressive

re: fanfiction, YAYYY!! I'm SO happy to hear that 😊 Talk about synchronicity, I only just started posting after a 9-10yr writing-block and once I got past the fear of starting, it's been such a gift. I hope the writing and sharing proves a good experience for you too. Thank you lots for telling me that.

And to be fair, I did read your entry yesterday where you discuss being percieved, but it didn't feel prudent to tag it. Thank you, too, for sharing your impression of me. I'm highly, highly grateful and appreciative :,3 thank you!! Forever plagued with the introspection bug, and I'm glad what I barf out is coherent 😁💜

I love your blog; here, at least, you seem very thoughtful and sincere, and not afraid to talk about some very personal stuff. Plus, your "noticing" page is truly lovely.

relatedly: occasionally when i spot someone saying something sweet about me on disc or whatnot i'll screenshot and save that ... something heartwarming about that type stuff

but also sometimes i lowkey forget in general my existence Actually Impacts people in whatever way so even positive reminders of it feel a little humbling (heartwarmingly) - but i guess this might also make it easier for me to brush off some ppl's negative views about Me Existing for what its worth? if that makes sense......

@miela583 this means more than you know, thank you :,)

@sneekrealm it absolutely makes sense, yes. I’ve been meaning to sort of archive the kind comments I’ve received here and try to remember to look at them and just let it sink in. I also often feel I don't make an impact even despite evidence otherwise, and for me, I sorta suffer from a lack of ‘Existence permanence,’ like, I assume I disappear from people’s minds

i love your blog posts and your noticing page. they always have something new for me to think about that i never would have come up with myself. your noticing page has made me more aware of my own surroundings (i "notice" more now). i don't always reply because my brain can't usually give me the right words, but i think about you and your site often.

in terms of the "not knowing how to communicate to someone in a normal way" my opinion is like. why does it matter to you if it's the normal way or not (also i swear i tried to post this before but it got deleted, or maybe my wifi just died idk)

I read "normal" in this context as "socially acceptable + therefore unlikely to be misread and accidentally offend/repulse"

I’m struggling to pinpoint what you’re referring to specifically @niicespiice, but yes, what @ocrevol said, like, fuck being normal but also, I still worry about social alienation and repulsion because I am really affected by that. It’s hard to fully unmask, though I continue to try.

very relatable about the "i COULD rest but i don't want to" thing. like people say stuff like "take a break when you want." i hate that, they don't understand at all. because if i let myself at the very least have excuses like that, i'll never do anything. i'd rather work until i'm drained and forcibly must rest, that's probably the best option

Lol, yes same 😭😭. I also hate when people tell me to take a break. If I took a break whenever I was tired, it’d be 90% breaks 😐

i think it's a very "not mentally ill" take to have? because they don't understand mentally ill people they assume we're exactly like them, even though our tolerance is FAR FAR lower. so because of that they go "take a break when you want" and it's like. yeah. i do that and i get called "lazy" or "wasting my life" so what do you guys want 😭

A new blogpost from He Who Internalizes Everything

(continuing the thread here) tbh I'm probably being a lil too mean re: Pete Walker I think he's a good guy with some good advice but the book has got some triggering elements for sure + yeah very therapy focused, which has not er been very helpful for me anecdotally either

Ah, understood! And thank you for commenting on this, by the way :) I've been delighted, and your voice is very much valued

resonates with me soooo muchhhhh. i often feel "too explicit" for the most of online spaces. like there's a "bourdary" of negativity i can talk about. i mean, on personal pages and accounts. even if i put tw, i still feel...... strange and anxious. THANK YOU for writing this

based and dissilution-of-mental-illness-pilled (?). but 43 is so me

@mustikas I write this as much as a persuasion to myself as well. I still get freaked out sharing, feeling like I’m not allowed to be “too” mentally ill in a public space (online) even though it is my personal website, mirroring what you said.

very much understand the hide impulse but I do enjoy reading your Me

thank you :,) it's much appreciated

Had a lot of fun reading through your word collection and testing how they felt spoken.

Delighted to hear that :3 thank you for commenting, @wanillaberry

My goal in life is to be everyone's cool lesbian auntie (something something japanese twitter)

Also, one of the things I had to really teach myself when i was planning my site was: if I don't write about me, who will?

Thank you, Tina :) I'm going to remember that for the future. You've eased my mind some.

re:44 reminds me of a post I saw the other day that said "sick people should have a right to congregate and discuss our illness without worrying about doing it in a way that doesn't upset the healthy people, it shouldn't be shameful or offensive to be visibly ill""

also i lol'd at the surviving the thriving reference man I was told to read that book a few months ago and while it was eye opening in some regards it was exceptionally unhelpful in others and I found myself overall wishing I had skipped it and read psychomagic instead

@ocrevol I really enjoy the quote you shared and I agree with it wholeheartedly. I feel like I've been hurting lately, not entirely feeling there's an acceptable place to be visibly ill-- but that may be more self-imposed than anything, I'm not sure though.

And, hah, I forgot that was the title of the book. I have it on a shelf and wanted to get back to it, actually. I feel "going from surviving to thriving" has become a sort of colloquial phrase and is expected of us, otherwise we're doing life wrong. I did find Pete Walker's '13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks' on his website to be insightful, so I hope to find good stuff in the book. Not in the mood to read it rn tho