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i went on an apology tour and wrote about it in my latest diary entry, lmk what u think if u read it
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softdays
11 months ago
i found myself agreeing heavily with what you wrote!! and im proud of you too, it seems like such a scary thing! its given me a lot to think about!
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axayacatl
11 months ago
@softdays it is scary but uncertainty is just raw reality and all u can really do is try to find the fun in that
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every now and again i receive such a sincere email and it casts a buff on my outlook of life for a few days
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im in the midst of organizing all my diary files so some 2024 entries might have broken links but not for long
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⛤✶👁✶⛤ a blessing is on it's way 2 u ⛤✶👁✶⛤
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do u guys have any advice on how to conjure more energy? i feel like i have the potential to be a less lethargic person i just don't know how to tap into that in tangible ways other than coffee and breathwork
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softdays
11 months ago
the only things that tend to work for me are eating meals-- keeping up my glucose and stuff 😭
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judging people for a prison record without knowing their crime is dorky and is a form of normalized performative empathy in the sense everyone makes big talk about prison reform without wanting to acknowledge the pitfalls of society or give others the opportunity to change
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axayacatl
11 months ago
i started writing letters to people in jail so this has been on my mind a lot
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america is such a surreal place to live in
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i want to clear up bc some people have offered me financial assistance im in makeshift housing and moving around a lot im not out on the street, if u sent me money under the assumption im the ladder it should be sent back to you ♡ thank you
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expressionless
11 months ago
We'll welcome you with open arms when you're in a safer space <3 Thank you for all the amazing entries and music, I loved the catharsis of your writing :>
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letslearntogether
11 months ago
I feel that one...Don't normally talk about it, but I'm also homeless and unemployed, coming up on almost two years now. Writing is helpful, especially if it allows you to sort out your thoughts and feelings so that you can make decisions that you won't regret later. But whatever you choose to do, please stay safe out there. Life is precious. 💜
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damn it really all makes no sense does it. shadow was right i am all of me
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humantooth
11 months ago
omg SICK now thats how you do a blog on neocities. people always ask about blogging on the subreddit would you mind if i share your page as inspo? (i totally get it if not)
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axayacatl
11 months ago
@humantooth yis but if u have to choose any entry can u pick the one before this x_o the new one is a little heavy of a first impression
axayacatl
11 months ago
sometimes i get a lil insecure about stealing my diary format bc it took a while to figure out but i like to think the content within it is the only thing truly mine. idk why i brought that up it just came to mind
expressionless
11 months ago
I had a similar experience when I waas younger, with an older girl threatning suicide. I relate to this entry so much, especially 'when looking back, i don't think the issue was more so if i had a nurturing home growing up i wouldn't have felt the need to seek a savior online'
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"What on earth do you mean anything could happen at any time?" is a great line
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On blog of the 23rd: Fantastic insight about apologizing in public! Any action that is performative, done simply to be seen, often seems to lack sincerity doesn't it.
Is it because, rather than true reconciliation, it seeks to inflate one's own ego through other's pity or praise? While intentions should not be assumed, they can often be felt, for intentions influence the quality of the actions extending from them.
I strongly agree that forgiveness can be freeing for both the giver and receiver when they are genuine. However, I also think that it is important to be able to let go when one feels like they are "owed" an apology, to "close the loop" as you so eloquently put it.
While I desire to give mercy for its own sake, I also do not want to be taken advantage of. Finding that balance has been tricky...and misplaced trust can literally be dangerous or deadly.
On blog of the 24th: While much lies outside of our control, there is incredible power in every choice that we make. What is the vision that you have for your own life and what constructive steps are you taking to get there?
Sometimes rejection can be a blessing in that it keeps us from situations where we will not be genuinely appreciated. Inversely, being lusted after is to be objectified, not actually cared for. Both situations feel like garbage.
You are strong, discerning, aware...not to mention, your art is cool. Your miracle(s) will come. Be steadfast in those constructive ways.
@letslearntogether thank u for ur feedback i can tell a lot of thought went into it. on being objectified the pressure cooker feeling it leaves in the air keeps me independent. it leaves me feeling thankful for my talents in a way i never have as there is this sudden need to constantly humanize myself for no reason other than my own sanity
Not so much feedback as it is dialogue. I enjoy what you write and I try to show everyone care whenever I am aware enough to do so...Sis, you will never be anything less than human. Likewise, all human beings deserve dignity, so you have nothing to prove. To express gratitude for one's skills and to carefully hone them in order to help everyone in addition to oneself is always good though.
Also, you are already sane. We simply live within an insane society...But of course, I state this as a feral man-beast living out in the wilderness at the edge of the city. Society is filled with that "pressure cooker" feeling in various guises. I had to get away from it, even if it meant being homeless. Yet my love of humanity kept me engaged so that I might help to transform it in some small measure.