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Seems like after awhile all the "first times" get locked behind long grinds -- "first times" are "successive" in a way, a trail of continuity -- and it's hard to see if they even exist anymore, or if they're worth the effort, and if it's too late anyway. When you find a "successive" path, maybe it makes an opposing vortex against the infinite. One could hope all scattered dots connect and unlock such paths, maybe
@siqu Normally I don't think it matters all that much and I can just focus on whatever I've been working on lately, but sometimes looking at my life as a whole, I get sad about "first times" that have been lost, even if like you said they're not really worth the effort anymore. There's so many!
i also got sucked into reading your essays. very interesting read. you have a great website. you are cool
for some reason i made a weird custom twitter-type thing where only i can post
thank you for your kind words. i have more (less coherent) notes on a variety of books, i'm currently attempting to rationalize my workflow so i dont have to manually write out/format my writing into html. unfortunately i know nothing about computers and everything is broken. but remain vigilant!
w.r.t. changing others, it's inevitable so may as well embrace it. Depending on how you influence others, they may enjoy the changes and thank you for it. Reading some of your essays contributed to writing again for some sanity, so thank you (´・ω・`) Weird how writing can be both an exercise in pointlessness but also the spark to change for the better
I think it's easier to influence people positively when we're just interacting over the internet. E.g. if you like my writing you can keep reading it, and if you dislike it (or just find an individual piece boring) it's easy to forget about it. But with real life relationships, the good often has to be taken with the bad, so I feel a little sad seeing my bad habits (i.e. anti-socialness) infect someone else
Writing is nice, because whenever I sit down to write (or to read something you or someone else wrote) anything can happen. There's always the potential to think new thoughts or to become a new person for a few moments, as long as we can stay out of depressive spirals.
I think in many ways, nostalgia is just a constant cycle. I used to think I felt nostalgic for a year or two ago, that I was happier then, till a week or two ago when I read my diary & thought things sounded "simpler" & "happier" only a few months ago, when that is not the case. I'm just as happy now as I was then, even if it's a lack of happiness. This is to say that I think nostalgia is largely illusory.
I make it a point to remind myself that the times I am living right now will eventually be nostalgic for me, and rather than nostalgia being a narrowing, burdensome thing that puts me into some sort of narrative, it’s instead cause for me to live as well as I can, right now. Hope your feelings ease up soon, maybe not happiness per se, but that your necessary sadnesses and miseries become easier to bear.
Also to answer your hat question, I don't think the hat in Binetsu has a specific name, but I think it might be either a toque or an Andean chollo? I did also look up "knit hat with bobble and ear flaps," So maybe try that heehee ^^;
Thank you! a lot of the illusion of depth on my website just comes from it being disorganized and changing how I do thinks every few months. A lot of the older essays in particular are pretty silly and I need to revisit those themes soon. I read your diary and like all your drawings/character designs! If you like rabbits, there's a popular Shanghainese candy brand called "White Rabbit"
Oh oh I have a bag of white rabbit in my room right now actually :D I like keeping the wrappers since the designs are so cute, thank you for visiting my website also!!
As with everything on this website, I'm sure this will very quickly become a massive pain to navigate as I add to it. Hopefully I'll be inspired to think seriously about organization someday!
you've mentioned your brother's quote about lists often enough now that it's seeped into my brain and i fully believe it
dunno if it's quirky enough but i got this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGFeBHV8v2U
i designed a list page a while ago but never uploaded it... maybe it is time
this is a great idea! i look forward to following this as it grows. going through the music now - i'm familiar with tentenko, but hadn't heard of MikaTen
It's been a long time since I've written an actual essay. In this last week of National Poetry Month, I'm sharing this piece about Du Fu (my favorite poet?). I hinted at it earlier in the month, and, well, it's gone through quite a few transformations since then.
i wonder if you might get something out of going halfway of sorts -- bring your phone with you but keep it off unless you need to pay for something?
reading that bob's game essay is like mainlining the zeitgeist of the noughties (gradual descent into complete psychosis included at no extra cost). 5 minutes in, i had a premonition that tim would show up somehow...
also for the record, i don't think anything he wrote is all that psychotic. it's just a lot of standard buddhist ideas, though expressed through christian language, which i think defamiliarizes it and makes it sound more extreme than it actually is. but, yeah, he's clearly been through a lot, which is what makes this such a fantastic and unique piece of literature
"The video game industry (and most other industries) are essentially criminal cults, indoctrinating children with mind control which makes the children stray from their families, develop no skills to have other choices, and become enslaved by the addiction and loss of will, hypnotizes them and leads them right into the waiting hands of the cult."
haven't finished the whole essay but these are far from "standard buddhist ideas"... his is an extremely paranoid worldview resulting from isolation and drug abuse. reminds me a lot of Philip K Dick. regarding your journal: i hope this decision lifts a burden from your shoulders and helps you focus on your other passions
Your absolutely right and I shouldn't have said that without rereading the whole piece instead of only relying on my memory and skimming. I was mostly thinking of the "we can all be god" part, but of course there was so much more that I had forgotten/didn't notice
coincidentally i read the essay right after finishing a pkd novel and it felt like a smooth transition
i think i have an unhealthy tendency to relate to one or two things and translate them into "my language", blinding myself to other things e.g. his attitude in some parts that mind control is just part of our nature and not something to worry too much about became "we're all just constantly deluding ourselves and each other" -- but this misses the intentionality and malice that the word "mind control" implies
that happens a lot when people encounter psychotic rambles, they instinctively try to make it "make sense", usually by interpreting things meant literally as being figurative.
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thank you so much! i'll try my best to never stop writing, though i'm sure the frequency with which i post on here will continue to be sporadic, unfortunately