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<3 i cant offer u advice bc honestly im in a similar position right now but if it helps at all i hope you know you aren't alone in what ur feeling. so much of being trans is facing whats unknown & scary & taking the leap anyway because we want to change & be someone new. and people like 2 think its easy & wonderful and it is sometimes but mostly its hard & crushing & messy & we make mistakes & trip all the time.
but even tripping is a fall forward. we keep going & we keep that desire for change alive because its the most precious thing we have. bc as long as we have it the light at the end of the tunnel stays in view. im not telling u 2 have faith in the future bc thats passive & terrible but im telling u 2 have faith in the present. that the present will slip by as is its nature.
& so will the tunnel & if u make the conscious constant decision to keep making slow painful step after slow painful step. which u are making and i hope will continue to make. u will find urself unexpectedly in the light. being trans is a bit like picking up a new hobby bc theres so much to learn and our first attempts are all messy and ugly and suck really bad.
but if we keep picking it up. even after long breaks of not being able to. we get better and better and better. i hope everything turns out ok for u