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You seem to have a complex relationship with gender and sexuality. It might be good to evaluate why you feel that way about girls though, might be rooted in some internalized misogyny.

did I ghostwrite this

Yeah, a lot of what you wrote about wondering if you're not a girl because you're not pretty enough--this sounds like the result of the ridiculously high expectations society places on girls and women. That unless you do all the work of performing feminity with makeup, fashion, hairstyles, etc., you aren't really a girl. You are! You don't have to look like a model to be a girl.

No one fits that definition of girl unless they put in hours of work--that's a performance, not the natural state. You're still a girl. Girls don't have to be sought after, prizes to be won, or pretty little things set up to admire. You don't have to do what you don't want to do just to prove to the world or yourself you're a girl.

It sounds like you're looking for external validation because you're having trouble giving yourself that... I think it would be very good to read about objectification, the male gaze, etc., to understand how you may have internalized this from society and the media. Comparing yourself to other girls as if they're all competition is also an unfortuate part of how so many people raise their girls.

But if it makes you feel happier, you could *also* try to explore things that would make you feel happier and more comfortable with your appearance. Maybe a change in clothes or something else easy/not too labor-intensive or time-consuming (unlike makeup or hair, etc.), and dress a bit more like your ideal girl. If it comes naturally, maybe you just want that!

No matter what kind of bone structure, face, body type, there are nice and flattering styles to dress in, see the Kibbe body types. That said, even if they're a bit dated, reading The Beauty Myth by Virginia Woolf or Margaret Atwood's writing should give you perspective regarding the male gaze and the way industries profit off of women's insecurities.

... that's Naomi Wolf! Sorry, got the authors mixed up.

relate a bit to the straight girl thing. for some time i questioned whether or not i was faking being queer and all and i figured it out some time. i wish you luck on your self discovery and identity!

I love how you set this up! I never know how to organize info for characters or whatever and yours are so organized!

OMG thank you!! I thought little info boxes would be cute hehe, I use this sort of layout on a lot of my pages!