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this must not have been easy to share, thank you for letting us in. I absolutely love the sentence about encounters evaporating, it feels like the calm after the storm that destroyed your shelter - it's bitter but quiet still. if it's of any help it is quite normal to have dreams that our conscious self finds disturbing or inappropriate, I hope you are healing and are doing well!
@ryo thank you for reading and understanding! im actually okay right now, sometimes i just write extremely heavy stuff to exorcise it from my mind. i actually am healing so much and doing better than ever, writing stuff like this is part of the process! - j