Neocities.org
bought a box of fortune cookies and one of em said "too much consultation leads to confusion", hmmm interesting. I have no idea what that means!
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Hear ye! Hear ye! My mom has accepted my desires and will shortly send an e-mail to the clinic! On the bad side of things: My 2k€ puter shat the bed and now I'm using my aunt's windows 7 shitbox for a while. Dunno what's wrong wit it but I gave it an up and down and it seems to be the motherboard or the m.2 drive, I REALLY hope it's the drive!
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leichpfand
6 months ago
It's like the drive (which has got windows on it but no data thank god) corrupted or something, it's complete jibberish in there, don't how or when but I came back from visiting my grandma and it wasn't booting, got a win 10 cd in there and it told me something was wrong but it couldn't fix it or it went so wrong it couldn't fix it. So yeahhh I really don't want to pay anyone to fix it so I'm kinda boned rn
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leichpfand
6 months ago
symptoms include: no ethernet (for some reason), windows boot manager didn't appear and it just hangs out for hours on a black screen, drive seems to be corrupted as shit, motherboard's lights acted weird. That's it but it's fucking everything up. I've moved my precious 2tb drive of pure information and old photos into the shitty puter temporarily to make backups, I'm praying it doesn't get corrupted, so much data..
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ok well this is awkward I couldn't tell my mom because she remembered (at the last possible moment) she had theater entrances for a play that was going to be at night, when I was going to tell her while walking the dog... Guess I'll try again today? Also I might make a big blogpost about this whole throat thing I'm kinda divided surprisingly
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I'll tell you guys how the talk with my mom goes when I tell her in a bit but for now; I actually hate myself SO MUCH I was on omegle today playing guitar and idk what it was if the lighting or smth but in my throat you could VERY clearly make out a bulge and I got off as soon as I noticed, the way I make voices now has changed, like I input the same things but they go different places it's weird and I hate it
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leichpfand
6 months ago
also I've heard people in my city are capable of getting hrt over the counter without recipee for 8€... THIS THING THAT JUST HAPPENED THAT COULD'VE BEEN AVOIDED WILL NOW BE WITH ME UNTIL I GET AN EXPENSIVE SURGERY! I love my decision making and research skills so much I'm going to throw a party in their honour
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leichpfand
6 months ago
if the talk doesn't go well I at least now know I can do it behind their backs, not like I want to but if things keep moving this fucking slow while my body prepares the coup de grace or whatever the fuck I might just have to, even if she agrees, I will curl up into a ball and die if another permanent unwanted change hits my very much finite existence
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ok guys it's fine, I'm a bit better now. I think I'm going to ask my mom about getting hrt as soon as tomorrow, I don't know if its her day off because she's got a very volatile schedule but I'll try to find a moment. I can't let this unwanted puberty develop any further and I'm done ignoring it because if I don't do something now in a week or two I'll have a beard and suicidal thoughts.
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I'm sorry for the doomposting but I'm just really frustrated by how slow things are going and the fact that I can't speed them up. I wanted to come out before summer because I knew puberty would fuck me over eventually and it stings to have known about this for ages and still suffer from it. This IS leichpfand's purpouse after all ig, venting aimlessly.
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I can't wait (as in, I physically cannot wait any longer) to get the gender psychologist person, I'm so fucking fed up with myself I can't keep it together much longer if this rotten streak of days keeps on going and getting even worse. Problem is that I don't think they can speed themselves up, everything is booked and they can't really force me into someone else's schedule,
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leichpfand
6 months ago
I *could* try to get an hrt recipee before even meeting the psychologist but I don't know if that'd go over well with my dad. And I need it NOW I needed it YESTERDAY, if my voice keeps getting deeper on its own and fucking up my progress I'm gonna end up under a bridge somewhere I can't take much more of my throat's shit
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leichpfand
6 months ago
singing german songs in my best possible girl voice is how I got to my peak but now I can't seem to even get started with them, I slip up, I miss notes, I sound so out of tone and just bad I can't stand doing it because it pushes me further down. Not only that but my voice isn't as smooth as it was either it vibrates so much now it's like a guitar who's frets were never filed in 50 years I hate it so much
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leichpfand
6 months ago
This will follow me to the grave or at least until I get hrt and can start being my own person. It is such a shit thought and yet I can't keep it from surfacing every now and then. I can't wait to be myself but it seems even farther away with every fucking day that goes by with squat being done about it...
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I hate this, why is Chick corea the only thing that isn't syncing onto my ipod... Like it took Femtanyl just fine but it decided that it didn't like jazz or something because it just wont sync that specific album :(
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to quote Elvis, 'A little less conversation, a little more action'