Old laptop is officially done. Technically it boots most of the time, but every time you lightly jostle it there's a solid chance that it will irretrievably freeze. New laptop is now officially set up and everything is transferred over. The Lenovo brick is dead; long live Lenovo.
I want to work on my electronic music but my laptop is glitching and the tool I need to open it up hasn't arrived in the mail yet. I think I vibrated it to death trying to follow a piano tutorial. Lesson learned, I guess.