i am trying to shower. i just want to be clean again and prance around like an innoncent cat dances and jumps around and all about. i want peace. i think i am coming to terms with a lot of things now. i don't want to. i would not wish to.. because at the end of the day i am angry. i am an angry woman. i want to do good. i want to make sure that after all is said and done, i am still loved. but no. i am screamed at. i am told i am useless. okay. that is fine. tell me all of your painful worries. scream at me your scornful hatred and your bitter love. i hate it all. i will hate it til i die. i just want to love you. i want to be held and be told that all of my worries are silly mistakes. i was never meant to feel this much i think. i was never meant to carry all of this but if you insist.
i will i will i will because i love you. i am impatient. i run cold. i have to deal with hot flashes of anger because you hate me and you made me carry a load i was never meant to load onto my shoulders. now i am back. i am no longer exhausted. while you sleep, i leave. i dance around and i continue to love because that it what i was meant to do. fuck you.
i am now sitting in class. back to this. i think this place is a place that i will always return to. it is such a joy to be able to type away and have everything be stored in the same place. anatomy is fun. i like all the notetaking, but i think that my mind keeps racing. it was getting hard to breathe. it was getting hard having to use my heart as it should be used. i have abused my body as much as it was able to take. i reckon i should consider myself lucky i am not braindead or paralyzed from the seizure. i should be grateful, i should be appreciative. however, i don't feel that way yet. i feel completely disconnected from myself sometimes. i thought that i would be able to reconvene with everything. i figured that forgiving would be easy. i never imagined making peace with everything would be so hard. but it is.
it happens to pose as a difficult task. i try my best to understand, i try so hard to be understood. i will bend and break myself over and over again so that you won't get mad at me again. but, it proves to be meaningless. there is no point in trying so hard if i am met with the same reactions. first, you must admit you were cruel. you cannot be so dismissive, i won't allow it. perhaps you were truly ignorant, but did the distance really heal? it did not. i wanted affection, i wanted to be loved. but you threw gross words at me, and fed me dirt. i find it hard to believe that you are at peace with yourself. that you truly did everything in your power to help. no you did not. i do not believe it. i think i am scared that if i do believe it, then i will be truly disappointed with that choice of parenting. it was an utter failure.