012124 (+12 am): i cried on the bus rereading break up texts and my contact fell out with the tears. tried popeyes for the first time. everyone that came into the store was dogwhistling and prattling on about it. after work i went to cece's and she let me read a letter that she wrote to brad. we drank lambrusco. i cut the roof of my mouth on the crisp of my fried chicken.

012124 (11:57pm): decent sunday. very grateful. fell asleep in church, but feel ok thinking that my mind left to commune with God. took a picture of a hymnal with dried wax on the notes that looked like tear drops. it was sunny to-day and not too cold. shirley gave me a calendar with the important episcopal dates. i felt nice walking home iwth my hair pulled back. i went to tess's after eating quick pb toast with dates and putting my laundry in the dryer. the commute was not too bad: bus by the police station and then walk. listened to glen campbell, marlon dubois, and figurine. went to the wrong apartment and was frustrated that i couldn't get in. tess made me tea and we chatted and i edited the videos that we took at the sculpture show into a minute long reel. we listened to a lot of kanye and ate a lot of snacks. she advised me to be wary of tom k and was critical of james calling me annoying at one of the lower, more raw points in our breaking up. snacks: sweet maui onion chips, quiona chocolate crisps, chips and salsa, and a brown butter chocolate bar. i was feeling weird about eating because of my light fixation with wanting a more extreme personality, more discipline, and more lore. need to keep my eye on such dramatizations. went to emma's and we took an uber to pick up ingredients for family dinner. she described the lawyer that she's been going on dates with and how his apartment is kind of dirty but he's a sweet, sexy, man of the people. he's also 35. i told her about sierra's letter, and what i'd like to happen in the near future with james. she told me, from her experience in doing so, that sleeping with someone you are/were in love with can be a really self-destructive thing to do. on the walk home after dinner, i thought about how i used to get so horny when i was walking and thinking about james. i feel all primatively interested in his cum and the idea of him painting it across my face. hard to tell if i'm using him like an object in my mind in that way. avery cooked a delcious chicken orzo while adam, emma, james p, and i talked about different stupid things. after dinner, emma was asking adam various questions and I was losing it in laughter. first, it was how he'd react if one of us were pregnant and then he asked emma if she had ever had an abortion. was reminded that georgia had had one. i was thinking of baby names in church, what names are in my family. i can't tell if i'm picking up certain vibes from james p. he was texting me separately, insignificantly about his moviegoing experience last night. cleaned the house when i got home, listened to twee and hung up my wooden praying girl plaque in the bathroom. dry brushed my body and took a shower. the way i feel when i shower thorough: i feel like a princess. flossed and put on oils. made my bed and talked to rivers on the phone. got deja vu at dinner. sam k is in town and i might see him tomorrow. i found a canvas on the street.

012324 (7:48 pm) started early. woke up ahead of my alarm. when i did that the other day, I spent a long time on X doing a dive on NFTs. i don't remember what I did this morning. i drank coffee and then did a Teams meeting with an archivist at the Guggenheim. he talked me out of being an archivist. honestly, he was really jaded. i still think it's helpful to know what I don't want to do. he was kind of just like, "it's tough out there, i got lucky." i added him on LinkedIn after. I had my oats with honey, blueberries. last night after work I met sam at the Hilton in downtown brooklyn. he was with his mom, his mom's bestie, and his mom's bestie's daughter. i had an espresso martini, a fernet, and a guiness. inhaled too hard on a cigarette and it actually got me woozy. maybe you're supposed to feel woozy. james quit vaping. today i texted him a picture of a book that he has been reading and said that i'd like to end our silence. he quit the nft chess job. he wasn't all that affectionate over text, but i probably need to detatch from that anyways. he's my ex, he's my friend. i'm debated about giving him the message. it's too gay to write a new note without the sexual offering but i don't know if offering that is best. i felt pretty assured the other day but the more time passes, the more it's ok to let go. all of this is so hypothetical of course, because we don't physically see each other. we just text or we don't. sam slept with sam before sam left austin. after the hotel, we went to his "cousin's" after-work spot. she was nice and approachable. she does prosthetics and did some for arca. i do get quite freaked out that people can be in such proximity to celebrity or passion-execution and still have to work a service job or something. i guess consistent pay has a lot to do with suckling the teat of an institution. i still felt the want for sam to be attracted to me and noted mentally when we were sitting closer. he interviewed for some crazy data science consulting job today and said that if he gets it, he will buy all of our drinks when we go out because he'll make over 100k a year. my mood sloped downwards after the archivist. i forced myself to do some yoga. i did it with a hoodie on and had my attention directed to my mantra "focus." i had a french omlette for lunch and more coffee. got dressed and took the train to meet chloe. i finished epitaph of a small winner last night; the ending seemed abrupt. i texted eugene if he would want to ft and catch up. he told me that he's secretly in town. i tried to take a nap but i had drank too much coffee. i had capuccino and chloe was so nice. she also emphasized how rough it is but gave me some insight to places to apply to with people that she knows. im drinking straight campari rn and listening to nothing. i listened to music all day. went to strand after meeting chloe, and got slaughter-house five. i read some on the train home before i texted james. i had some pretty thoughts that i saved as twitter drafts.

1. the difference in color between my left eye and my right eye is increasing exponentially with age (it's true)

2. the shameful lengths i go to for attention

3. can you see me looking in ur window from the train

012524 (3:00 am) sometimes you cum like a cloud that the bottom just fell out of. eugene liked my text that i'm depressed but need to snap out of it . i put on hand lotion that's a little too strong. i met eugene and amalia ulman at odeon. i thought it'd be just us, but it turned out like it should and she is a sweetie. had a gin martini and cocktail shrimp. they served the shrimp on a platter rather than a glass. we all split a sundae and amalia talked about how she was raped by an incubus. told eugene about my break up. he is seeing someone but still had hints of flirtyness. it's kind of sad, but i'm not attracted to him at all anymore. in the uber home, i was thinking about how when james and i fucked it was more of a twin connection. he texted me out of the blue about poor things because he saw my letterboxd picture. i posted a pic in my new mandarin shirt that roche gave me and i hope it drives him crazy. i feel it's fine to give him the message in a bottle so long as i tell him that i was kind of pining in the moment but am not anymore. i spent the day productively with roche, applying to jobs and watching drag race. had a rlly good bahn mi. it's been a long day and a good day. watched eugene's movie with him after we drank beers. it's really good. was seeing a lot of beauty in life today. read a lot of slaughterhouse five. was strong and finished my work out all the way through and then stretched to aphex #3 stone in focus baboon video.

012624 (12:15 am) the day went by really fast. woke up late. avery lost her virginity, which i felt as her friend. most of the day was commuting uptown and back down twice. was too busy to focus on having an open heart. avery and i meant to meet hot lawyer guys at columbia law wine club. there weren't really hot lawyer guys there, but even when we went out after i found that i didn't really have the energy. my mom talked to eye insurance people for me which i appreciated greatly. she also sent me pictures from when i was a baby or when she was my age and when my dad was a model. i was really obsessed with my baby picture. it looked like a marc jacobs heavn shoot. i miss my yaya. everyone in my family is beautiful. im pretty homesick. crossed my mind to try and get a job in boston. felt pretty disgusted by the dirty wet floors of the subway. it's not cold outside anymore. any song that james sent me i listen to at least twenty times. i could probably look at the stats. i'm wearing his white shirt to bed.

012724 (12:54 am) sometimes I get bored of brushing my teeth. i made a flourless chocolate cake and a tik tok. i drank an expired digestif and it hurt my stomach. devoted saturday night to wife practice. the sense of time in slaughterhouse five is really resonating with me. it would be fun to go to a smoke filled jazz club. my orchid is dying because we have no ice trays. i saw snail mail having dinner at a fort greene restaurant and called rivers right away. swag for what? is my dad ignoring me? applied to about four jobs this morning, all while on the phone with my mom. eugene is right: a glass of milk with dessert makes all the sense in the world. where is my small red bic lighter? rivers is seventeen. she is literally my baby doll. (12:43 pm) feeling a little discouraged at the moment.

012824 (1:34 am) i wish you would kidnap me like you said you would. i shed my navy brandy melville backpack on my bedroom floor. i want you to remove me from my life as i know it with no choice. work will go on without me. i half expected to see your car parked outside my house when i came home from school. listening to tristan and isolde and it crescendos while i'm texting james. i like text typing on laptop. i came home from out at a respectable hour. i was honestly pretty depressed today. i was kind of like why do i live here? i have not really been super happy other than when i was in love. hustling for what lol i must have been dour-faced on broadway because this middle aged black woman tapped me on the shoulder and said, "God bless you." it really changed me around. i talked to tess on the bus. i told her about my qualms. she told me that i'm talented and she loves me. i messed some stuff up at work. treated myself to thai. said "sahwahdeeka" to the restaurant woman and she appreciated it and started speaking thai to me. talked to anny while i took pictures of wine bottles. also talked to my dad on the bus. talked to nova on the bus yesterday. tearing up saying good night to James. first thought when i think about him is "i love you so much." went to the river with sierra to meet up w tanner (coldhealing) and they only talked about twitter things and it was crowded so i tweeted that it was flooded. yanis made me the best fernet and coke.

02924 (12:19 am) honestly, feeling pretty depressed. constipated for a cry. i had a net good day. i went to church on wall street(a beautiful church with red stained glass and masonry like carved bones). didn't fully connect with the people there; it was largely attended and had a metal detector. i went to the coffee hour after which was decked with proscuitto and caprese sandwiches and arugala salad. i felt painfully awkward. i walked around the cemetary on the grounds after. noted how short life spans used to be and thought about baby names. i used to be too afraid of cemetaries because i worried that the ghosts of the dead would posess me but now i think that they're very peaceful. it was drizzling and cold. i walked to chinatown and it was so miserable. my hands were red and numb and my headphones were glitching and my puffer hood kept flying off of my head. i leisurely shopped the china mall or whatever it's called while i waited for tess. realized that i should be shopping at that chinese grocery store. had to pee so bad while filming with tess and her friend kevin. we went to lubov to this other show and i peed there. in the ratchet bathroom, there was a doll in the shower and the toilet didn't really flush. we got dim sum after. i loved the turnip cakes, soup dumplings, and pea dumpling. tried tripe but couldn't think too hard about it. it was fine but i wasn't like oh yum. mainly talked about art. kevin is an archivist at some gallery but has the energy of a boss. he offered up jobs that tess and i could do at the gallery. it made me understand things better to hear them talk about it. internships are only attained by nepo babies. i drank a lot of the tea and it warmed my hands. again, it was the consolation that i am very young and things will get better. we walked to alyssa davis gallery for anna's show. chinatown was looking so beautiful in the rain. tess described her sister in law with an adderal induced tongue tick. we were in awe of anna's beadwork and talked to alyssa. i didn't say too much, but overheard stuff about the gallery business and the model of it all made sense in my head. alyssa mentioned a coming dinner surrounding the art and said we all should go. luke sent an aggressive text about me leaving the heater on and it soured my mood. i picked up a bottle of wine and went to adam's. in some small way, i feel like james p may have a crush on me. avery came and announced that she's going to stay at emma's for the week. i felt a little peeved. i think it's the fear of being left behind. i think i'll go home to austin this week. james cooked a short rib with mashed potato purée and carrot. it was so fucking delicious. i tore my skirt a bit. emma and avery talking about something made me feel left behind. i think that i've determined that i'm either afraid of or have ill feelings towards women grouping together. women grouping together makes me feel like there's some way that i should be acting and i'm not doing it right. i should reflect if i feel that way about all groups of women. i stayed with adam a bit while he finished the dishes. listened to simon and garfunkel on the walk home. took a shower. trie to masturbate to blonde james but ended up thinking about brunette james. i was a bit sad because i saw this woman's tik tok of her giving birth and something about it made me feel insecure. i brushed and flossed and oil pulled.

(9:52 am) had a dream that james p and sam k were both in love with me.

020224 (11:53 pm) i went home for three days. what did u do those three days you were dead? it was wholesome. i was tired and homesick. i didn't have any great revelations, but i spent quality time with rivers, jo, leah, mom, dad, vera, beckett, and rachel. i enjoyed driving and the weather was wonderful. it's been harder for me to leave the last couple of times.

020324 (11:53 pm) pressing relationship matters: i need to incorporate God into more parts of my day, i need to help rivers and mom be happy with each other, i need to go see pop pop soon, i need to get out of the city once a month to readjust my view, i need to rely less on emma and avery, i need to move on emotionally from james, i need to make eugene proud, i need to become financially independent, i need to prove to thomas that i care about the music video, etc.

020424 (140pm) families r so special. unique history and lore.

020524 (1225pm) listening to tek lintowe's new album on listening party w james. we are friends. we are not going to fuck in the new future. he gave me his copy of A Young Girl's Diary and I gave him the message in a bottle i wrote on his birthday and the nude polaroid i took when i was twenty and promised him when i gave him Unbearable Lightness. I didn't want to cry. I felt awkward when he told me that he's seeing someone new. he called my outfit cute. held my hand. we hugged hard and he kissed my head. we talked about our lives with some long silences. drank water. rubbed puppet's stomach. looked up at him. i'm romanticizing it and i shouldn't be. i feel good about moving on. he wasn't as cute as i remembered. when he moved and sat closer i was still turned on. i had a very good day overall. woke up, ate an english muffin and had some coffee. went to church and it filled me up. i sang well. pastor holbrook preached about communing with God early in the morning before starting the day. joined for coffee hour after and had half a bagel and instant coffee. danielle was back for the first time since getting covid. she wore a really bold gold black lady church fit and it made me think of my grandma's friends. not to mention all their names are "shirley" or "sheila." it was sunny all day. did some solid self care and getting ready to see james. put on my los angeles apparel skater dress and tights. on the train, i made notes about slaughterhouse five for book club. trader joe's was a nightmare. sunday and the line looped around the store thrice. i got some good stuff. listened to burial and it matched the chaos. walkled home feeling strong for carrying all my groceries. kind man opened the subway door. last night, a kind man pushed a drunk man off of me on the subway. put away my groceries. made tik tok. been resenting avery in some way since she's been staying at emma's. edited billy pilgrim tik tok. looked up the new girl that james is seeing. she's beautiful, private, and well established in the scene. it will motivate me. he texted me when he opened the bottle and thanked me and it told me how awesome and hot i am and that it made him hard. i excited at that last fact. i am resolved to not picture him when i masturbate. i pray for an open heart. i feel like james p might like me. we had a moment talking in the kitchen and smoking talking baby names and our legs touched while watching sex and the city. i have been feeling beautiful, fit, and capable of exciting and composed dress.

020624 (1208am) solid start to the week. woke up. had my communion with God. made coffee and applied to five jobs. made a spinach, goat cheese omlette. did a quick work out. made tabboleh. got dressed. texted friends. found an organizing cube on the street. went into work. i got a couple of things done. boss gave me money to go get us coffee. ate my tabboleh and read Young Girl's Diary. drank wine with boss and his hot ass son came in. listened to tek. on the bus, i was on tumblr and found this very perfect animal collective song. came home and made a lemon fennel salmon. took a shower. turned on drag race. finished the bottle. i don't want to be sad (adjective). i want to be the it girl. emma texted me that she loves me. i feel like avery told her that i was sad she doesn't reach out more. the way im postured is probably putting lines on my neck. i think it's really important to pray at every meal. i like music that i would have previously judged. luke texted me upset that i ate some of sarame's cake. it pissed me off because he told me we could, but he kind of just meant avery. i need to wash away stains of bitterness. i've taken to smiling more and talking more feminine and flirty. i'm practicing having an open heart. i told james that when i was about to cry yesterday and he reassured me that it's hard. i do love my life. i just forget that i can choose things.

(0930 am) i feel really beautiful today. prayed with candles and flowers to God last night.

(0808 pm) i'm starting to really question the validity of calling myself a video artist. i think i'll stop calling myself that. this morning i made a delicious greek scramble. i let myself listen to the animal collective song one more time. i did an intense madfit workout and sweat a good deal. i took a shower. i masturbated and thought of nick instead of james. i'm going to stop thinking about james when i masturbate. i feel it's important to masturbate to show that you're alive. talked to my mom for two hours. i got kind of annoyed with the rhetoric of law of attraction. she sent me lots of cute pictures of jo. made plans to meet up with adam, get out of the house. i wore my big blue fur lined coat, navy brandy melville skirt and tights with white brandy melvilled hoodie varsity socks and silver onitsuka tiger. walked down park avenue and felt like Cunty Broadshaw. made salmon with lemon and dill for lunch. walked to adam's and the sun was shining. he explained the nft survivor tournament he's doing. i had a smoothie popsicle that i left at his house when i lived there that week in the summer. at the coffee shop, i got a capuccino but knew that i should have just gotten a little baked good. there were many attractive guys on the walk there and in there. i zoned in on my second billy pilgrim tik tok. went to my minute clinic appointment at cvs to get my meds refilled. it was nice and quick. there was this guy pacing the waiting room and it kind of freaked me out. the doctor let me use the employee bathroom but had to stand outside while i pissed. went back to the coffee shop, adam was on a call and i posted my tik tok. we went our separate ways and i walked to the cvs on astor to pick up my prescription. it felt good to walk and see people and to be looked at. at one point, i was walking behind this splayed line of youths and the guy walking next to me pointed out their obstruction to them. my headphones weren't working, they may have been dead. walked into alabaster to see if they had state of grace, they didn't. there was a college girl and boy standing in front of the shelf and being corny. he was asking her about her boyfriend and she was talking about mental health. my mom was telling me to focus more on people that i aspire to be like. i think that's a good idea. i've been a little upset with her since rivers called me sobbing about their fight. i'm not upset anymore and was happy she talked about being open to doing therapy today. when i got to cvs, my meds were $60 and it put me in a bad mood. it was only a one month supply! i need to get a pyschiatrist here it seems. i didn't really drink much water today. got very hungry and thought about trying to make halal at home. i was disgusted by the volume of people in the subway and questioned why i feel the need to live on top of people this way, pushing through. the train was full too and i stood until there was a seat and then i read more of YGD. it's so good. stopped in foodtown and ended up with bok choy and mushrooms to add to the package of indonesian noodles i took from home. i took another shower to wash off the subway ride into the city when adam and i sat on the end where the junkies sit. i admired my body in the mirror. picked put slay pajamas: drama gallery booty shorts and black long sleeve and dress socks. my noodles turned out really well and i looked for things on criterion that are like Fat Girl. cleaned the kitchen and avery came home.

020724 (0922 am) dream #1 i was drake and was assessing the door to my house and whether i wanted big powerful snake masonry on the front. the metal snake came to life and jumped at me but it was friendly and i loved it instantly. at first, i tried to hide it from my wife but then we took it in the car to give to our daughter as a pet.

dream #2 i was in some high school class and this boy had a big crush on me and was telling everybody about it. he didn't seem too bright. i was also notably a bit older. at some point he tossed me a paper w his number and it fell to the floor. i looked under the table for it. his number was also written on the restock list from work and i found the paper eventually. i took on a "fuck it mindset." we went back into the classroom and i was working with karlie kloss and she told me he was talking to everyone about how his love for me is driving him insane. he kept looking back from the front row. in class we had to lipsync lyrics from "creep" by radiohead. karlie and i didn't finish filling ours out but luckily, class ended before we had to do it. i had lost the restock list and felt bad but not that bad. i was putting on my cdg ballet platforms, no socks. i overheard julie bondi and some other bookish kid. she was scolding him flirtily for the fact that they live close together but never hang out at school. i was annoyed by the childish and cartoonishly nerdy way that they were talking.

(0932 am) i actually cried about james a little bit before i fell asleep. i don't really remember what about specifically and that's probably a good thing. thinking about it i would think that i was drunk but i wasn't. last night, i watched la collectioneuse and it disappointed me greatly. i found the main character to be annoying and the script to be verbose. i don't wonder if sometimes i tolerate the philosophical ramblings of new wave cinema because i love the aesthetics.

020924 (0208 am) productive enough day. spent longer in bed upon waking up. various meals. quick work out. james sent me an album. andrea came over. long call w mom abt law of attraction. afternoon slump. yummy dinner. bar review. promising but flop. thoughts on getting self established.

021024 (1207 am) i'm kind of pissed. it's friday and it's fashion week and i feel like i should be out but i literally don't know what's up! i'm eating kutz bbq ripple chips and drinking wine. i go in my little trance. i want to make a separate youtube. but yeah, fridays like this dishearten me and show me how far i have to go. but to where and do i want to is kind of the quetsion? i feel like i'm caught in a very weird place. i want normalcy and some kind of fame at the same time. oh god, i just thought about this sounding like some horrible incel blog. it's like that stupid ~too dumb for new york, too ugly for LA~. felt happy watching "pookie" tik toks with the girls. i need to figure out how to make some money so i can't go to dinner with my girls. i cried on the train because i was thinking about how owning james and his heart is the first time i ever felt like i owned something. DAMN! i feel so sad. i do not i won't always feel this way and i'll figure it out. but for now, it's like, where is this attention that i'm wanting. who am i even wanting it from. like definitely james. i need to be held and there's no one right now. i also need to be lauded and i'm not particularly proud of my work or even aware of what i'm trying to do. and i'm so broke right now. it's like why did i move here. who sold me on doing this. listening to violent crimes is kind of like being held. made so much content just to put it in the drafts. i think i do have more learning to do. deep stalked pookie. deep stalked ivy. poured another glass of wine. it helps me in some way to try to understand people's ages. how long they've been doing it. art is a cool product.

021124 (0429 pm) james and i slept together last night and this morning. we fucked for hours. saying i miss you, think about you, everyday. he told me i'm so special and it made me feel special. he had texted me asking what i was doing at night. i told him my plans and noted that we could run into each other. after trying and failing to find a nyfw move, sierra and i went to meet james p at dr clark and kevin came too. we got there and kyle and cameron were there. kyle talked to us and he seems like he's doing really well. he's sober now and going to AA. i said it's like a reading and he said that everyone seems to have the same reasons for drinking. i brought a bottle of wine. asked for four glasses of water, drank them, and turned it into wine outside. janus was not being flirty or chill. i texted james that all his friends were there and he said it might be the move. it was hard to focus on what people were saying because i kept thinking every car was his and thinking about him coming. i didn't really expect anything to happen. i don't know if it's contextually convincing, but i'm treating last night as a lesson in detatchment. hit some of james p's weed. he wants to make a movie together. he asked me for a guiness. i asked his body count at the end of the night and he said 42. amalia came over and asked for a cigarette and she said hi to me! madeline re-met me for the fifth time. she actually seems kind of sweet. i saw her talking to her ex-boyfriend. i'm listening to cool soundcloud music and trying to drink a lot of water. we poked our heads into dr clark, it was kind of dead and levi had to pay for the walked table. luke and teju were there. i met his friend quinn (the playboy), he was very attractive but looked kind of gay. james came with some guy named seth. i could feel him looking over at me. at one point he seemed to leave and then said maybe i'll see you later. i was kind of floored and puzzled about what it meant and repeated it to my friends like what is that? we tried to determine a new move and decided to walk to juku. james was walking back. the bouncer, pedro, asked who we were there for and if we knew anyone. i was quick to give up, but then he was like just say a name and he let us in. jackie was there but mainly it wasn't super happening. split a modelo with james p and we all sat in this dark room with a projected display and watched an affectionate public display. i texted james sup and he told me he had dropped a friend off in the west village but asked what i was doing in 15 min and we agreed to hang out. sierra and kevin went home and there was a funny moment in the street where it looked like this group taking selfies was going to be hit by some truck. i was like, i think james and i are going to hang out and everyone was like, at this hour.. y'all are going to fuck. james p and i went back in to try to use the bathroom but the layout was hard to navigate and no one was coming out of the bathroom at any pace. we walked back to the river. they were closed but i said, oh david! can we pee here? and he was like of course and janus was smoking a cigarette. i peed and filled up my water and did my lip gloss. told james p that it was a good bonding night for us. james pulled up and got out the car and asked if we wanted to smoke a cigarette. no one had one, and he got back in the car. i realized he meant for me to get in and i said goodbye to james p and got in. we kissed. it felt so good. i didn't think that's what was happening! kissing him after a long time felt like a drug. for real. i made a decision to not talk too much. he drove fast and scary and we kissed at the red lights. he put his hand under my skirt. it felt so right to continue. i felt so wet to be with him and couldn't wait for him to feel. he played vultures, stars he is particularly fond of. we made out in his car in front of his apartment. made out in the elevator going up. he got us water and i sat by the wall watching the projector play wallpapers. i asked him if he ever sits this close and he said only with me. we fucked furiously. all the while he stopped to tell me how hot i am. at some point, i ran from him. he chased me and i accepted defeat in the corner of his couch. he took of his pants. i took off my tights and skirt. he pulled out his hard cock and he lifted me and held me to sit on it. all through out the night, with him inside me, my eyes rolled back because i was happy. we fucked on the floor, it was so good. he told me he misses me and thinks about me every day. i told him i haven't been fucked since he's fucked me. it felt good to say all these things while fucking. we wrestled, it was hot. i rode him on the couch. i felt i lost my coordination and my breathing a bit. he kissed my tits. all of it is empowering maybe. we went upstairs. brushed teeth and i undid his belt and he kissed my back and i grinded myself against him and he held my tits in his hand saying, god you're so hot. we got into bed. on top of him, the best moment maybe if it's even right to define something like that: he told me he jerks off to my picture all the time, misses my little body, my pussy. he licked my armpit while he fucked me. it was hot to watch. he said he's never done that before. i'm writing so much because i hope it's telling. i'm kissing so much so i can tell. i fucked my face. he fucked me from behind. i was really loud. he said how much he misses coming inside me and i told him i miss being filled. he came inside me and i told him that he couldn't get out of me until i said. i looked in his eyes. i avoided saying i love you while we fucked, but told him later that that's what i was thinking. tourettes strings of i love you. he said he loves me. he thanked me for letting him come in me and i said forever and then felt weird about it and said not actually but feels nice to say. it was 5 am when we started going to sleep. we kissed in the dark and held each other tight. i luckily had an antidepressant stored in my coinpurse. i asked him if he was still seeing that girl. he told me that it's not working out with them and they haven't had sex. i told him sorry. my pussy hurt from not having sex and then having so much sex. i put my contacts in his zyn case. when he grabbed it for me in the bathroom light i saw how hot he was all over again with his legs. his arms are stronger now. i was unsure how close to sleep to him. i shifted away and he told me to come back. i'm painting this like a lovestory because i don't really know what it means. he told me he was having a hard time sleeping because he did coke for the first time in a while. we watched some tik toks. in the morning, he was like wow i need more sleep. he fed his cat. when he came back, he got in next to me. took off his boxers and he was hard and i was amazed. i was too tight for him to penetrate at first. i worried about my coordination again. the dick came back with a vengeance and hit everything good inside of my deepness. he came inside of me again. we took a shower. listened to music. i lied on him in bed. hit his vape. ran my fingers over his stomach and cock. he caressed my body. at some point, he said he needed to be alone and take a nap. i was kind of hoping we'd get breakfast but i understood. he called me a car. we hugged tight, kissed. i told him that i want to do it again sometime because i wasn't fully satisfied. i honestly feel fine. he was asking me. i feel fine. i love him. if it comes to getting back together, i don't want to do it unless he can be obsessed with me again. i have decided that that's what i need. it's a part of love.

021324 (0805 pm) snow day. there was several inches. i had my interview on google meet for penny. they said i'm a great candidate. great candidate is my middle name. i made a most delicious crispy feta fried egg. dated ass tik tok recipe. listened to music on youtube. music was hitting extra hard. the snow made me kind of manic. i took pictures to send to my family. did some laundry and cleaning. met adam for lunch at foster sundry. the walk was nice, i took lots of pictures and videos and listened to ooOoo. i got this bacon jam burger melt and he got the breakfast burrito and we split them. artisinal. adam took his first wellbutrin in front of me. i stopped into a flowershop on the way home to pick out roses for my friends. i found i had a little space on my credit card. i decided on a nice neutral pink bouquet. one of the women was spray painting roses blue. i facetimed jill when i got home. she showed me her lovely new apartment in chicago and a new thing that she's written. i miss her. she said it's kind of hard to leave the house and that she's applied to a three michelin star restaurant. i trimmed the roses and made a separate little bouquet for the living room. avery came home and then her and luke went shopping. i had a photoshoot with the drill that adam lent me and then labored away on my makeshift desk. it was quite hard to drill into the wall and hold it up, i took a break. during the break, i edited a little vlog with the videos that i took. i think it's a wonderful exercise and i feel good about the result. posted it on instagram and tik tok. my mom texted me that she was making changes in her room as well. she hung up lots of art and it looks great. at one point, avery was talking about how good her sex was with callum and it upset me. i was listening and i am happy for her but i am envious of her. it made me sad to think that i lost my virginity at 17 and still feel like i haven't had much sex, much less good sex. i got a worm of doubt in my brain if the sex with james is as good as avery and callum. it's obviously a complex matter. putting a pin in the thirteenth. thomas came over and we planned music video and drank wine and he stayed a long time and showed me his other music videos. watched true detective and texted james.

021524 (1213 pm) a sweet valentine's day. woke up and had goat cheese thyme scrambled eggs and toast. did a work out. texted family. looked into recipes to bake. james texted me a rose emoji. i went uptown and felt the air of love. went to mcnally jackson and got a copy of state of grace. then spent a giftcard at chick fil a. lunched in a nice, quiet public plaza where multiple hot guys walked by. the birds sat so close and i thought it was ironic. listened to a great ssaliva song. greatly enjoyed my meal. it felt like i really lived in new york city. went to central park and stood by the water. took a picture of a girl wearing a tennis skirt in the snow. met up with piotr and we walked through the exhibit and he told me about what he does and offered to send me the application fir the media team it sounds like a nice job. my period was giving me cramps. i was personable and articulate. made my way home and got ingredients for shortbread cookies. turned out that i didn't actually have dinner plans with friends. made the cookies. ate sushi and watched cat person with avery. she said something nice about me making an extra effort to always choose love. my mom was upset and i pissed her off more. three way phone call with my siblings. swiping on hinge in avery's bed. lit my new candle. it was nice seeing the ash wednesday crowd. im a little maddened with the idea of james sleeping with anyone else. but i need to detatch from that. i think about him all the time.

021624 (0144 am) had a nice little day. woke up. that's always the best start. had my feta egg and coffee. made quiona and steamed my pants. james texted me a song. i listened to it and walked to the train. we texted on the train. i felt so confident and good about things. manhattan in the morning. got a water and a coffee. spent some time on hinge and texting friends. it was my first day as a photographer's assistant. i enjoyed it. it was challenging, fulfilling, and i spent the day around art. kind of modeling, kind of trade. really enjoyed the second gallery that we went to. phoebe got us lunch. everyone is an artist. im so tired typing this. had a sopresata sandwich. enjoyed an air of professionality. there were cute art handlers. and clean girl receptionists. and snacks and wine for the opening. after, phoebe told me.that i did a good job. called rivers. mom is still mad. there were other galleries on the street having openings and it felt good to get off work in manhattan. i need to be living there. made pkans to go to emmas. went home and showered. we had bahnmigos: i had a vermicelli salad bowl. she told me that tyler's in her good graces. we watched devil wears prada. i was on depop and hinge. dming and texting james. we exchanged i love yous. we share locations again. i don't really know exactly what's happening anymore.

(1102 pm) so very tired. did not go to sleep until 6 am. texted andrea if she was going to baby's. she was and we met up before at duff's with some people. we wore military inspired outfits. i felt sneaky and fun for going close to where james lives. pissed in the horrible dive bar bathroom. andrea gave me a modelo that she took from jack's. kept making eye contact with this very attractive guy across the room. more ppl showed up: this girl olivia with perfect bone structure, her male friend that works for mr. rogers, nick from surfgang and his boys. james texted me and asked what i was doing in his area. i felt satisfied and excited. we left and headed to baby's. said hi to joe and he gave me a hug, eva too. wandered around the venue for a bit. dropped stuff in the green room. had a fernet and coke but could only drink half because it hit me hard for some reason. listened to this band with harry teardrop in it. texting james. someone said that voyeur wasn't playing until 3 am. i left and went to james's. i opened the door and we fucked right away. i stepped into a kiss. i've never felt more welcome. he was hard and had me against the pole in his kitchen. on the floor. against the wall. on the couch. in bed. we took a shower and he said he wanted me again after. i came twice in a row. he told me that he loves to make me cum. he came in me like four times. we layed down pants and fucked on the carpet. i watched his face when he came and it was so beautiful to me. we fucked to some ambient video of donald duck sleeping with ambient music from the 40s. it was snowing. we watched shibuya in the snow pov video on youtube. then we went outside in the snow for real. i refused to eat the valentine's sweets that he was going to give another girl before he ended it. he told me that he wonders sometimes if i'm the only person who can satisfy him. in the elevator at 3 am, there was a woman and her dog. the dog could smell that we had been fucking all night. joe was smoking outside of baby's. i asked if they played and introduced him to james. it was funny to me. i was really happy to be in the snow and to be in it with james. he held my hand. everywhere was closed but the place with the decent breakfast sandwiches. we walked backs and i made a comment about backtracking because of our footprints in the snow. he made me a cheese board with some raw milk cheddar and plum jam that vita's mom had made. it hit the spot entirely. we put on twilight and cuddled. he brought out ketamine and did a line. when he went for anotehr, he asked if i wanted one. i did it and was worried about fentanyl for a second. then i felt really light and present or maybe heavy in a good way. we talked about how neon purple doesn't actually exist and watched the nostalgia scene from mad men and it really got him. i went upstairs and changed my pad, and doing that on ketamine felt insane. puppet came downstairs. james says that he likes kyle more now because he wakes up earlier and feeds him. there's actually something so romantic about a cat. james had one hand on puppet and one on me and watching him it was like "what else could you want." james said that he was really happy. he asked me how i was and i said happy. twilight was really stupid, we were watching the second one, and changed to harry potter goblet of fire. did a bit more ketamine. realized the time and paused the movie and went upstairs. did night time routine. in bed i kept my light on and asked to stare in his eyes. it feels so amazing to look at someone so closely, watch their eyes merge into one eye. his looked lighter. trying to go to bed, he told me he wanted me again. we fucked before bed. from behind and he stayed in me for a few minutes after and i felt so connected. i got my blood all over his sheets. he got me a car home. i said hi to kyle in the morning. ate a quick breakfast of oats and coffee and rushed out the door feeling exhausted. picked up a sandwich before work. work went slow. i got a capuccino. i phoned it in. james and i sexted a bit. i got off early. showered. ate the other half of my sandwich and finished true detective. talked to avery. had hot cocoa. paid rent. andrea called and we talked for a secind. my eyelids are leaden.

021924 (1154 pm) in my freshly made bed. tomorrow, i won't be tired. had a nice easy day at work. president's day and everyone is out of town. isabella and I got thai on the company card. i managed to go to trader joe's before work. it always makes me feel good to have groceries. my phone was dying by the time i went to work. read about siamese twins. talking to lots of different guys from hinge. was supposed to have a date with aaron, but he got sick. i was kind of making myself do it anyway, so i felt a little relieved. plus i was tired. didn't talk to james as much until later. i really just think we're kind of in love. we texted about how much fun we had on friday. i sent him some nudes and he told me that i'm a gift. i cleaned my room. made my letter to mom more brief. i'm getting my money up by working a lot this week. need to do some deeper reflection soon.

022124 (0120 am) quite a day. woke up at 8. slept through my alarm. uber. photowork. poke. home. call with mom. made dinner. gave thomas footage. date. ride home in thought. i think i need to go to therapy again. i talked to my mom but it ended up elevated. she says she loves me but doesn't like me. part of me doesn't think im entirely wrong. i do understand. the date was chill. i think that im feeling more like friends. james had sent me tik toks and stayed on my mind because we were so close in proximity. johan and i went to a wine bar called sauced. he's smart and nice and our conversations flowed but i didn't feel super attracted to him. i look to his hands and his fingers aren't like james's. maybe im not ready to date but that begs the question, what is my intention with what im doing right now. it dawned on me that my diary is a lovestory. it makes me feel really bad when i think of all my mom has done for me. my new glasses came in. (1130 pm) was feeling very -- that girl -- this morning. i worked out and made the best greek omlette and applied to a job at guggenheim and read and got a capuccino and went to work. work was good because boss is still gone. i pushed cuticles back and wrote a lot about wine. i had an ice lemon poundcake treat and polished my sausage and white beans with white wine. james sent me money and told me to wax. i said yes and enjoyed the dominance. i texted multiple friends about my achievements in the morning just as a means of starting conversation. posted a lot on twitter. im really enjoying my reread of state of grace. got butter and chocolate morsels and walked to the bus stop feeling whimsical. i also felt visible in a way because i knew james was nearby at a friend's. i texted we're so close as a call back to him texting me that last night when i was on a date near him. i think i'll change names in here soon. maybe tomorrow on my day off. before my appointment. took a shower. masturbated. made black sesame chocolate chip cookies while listening to nymphet alumni. it doesn't seem like luke fucks with me. i had two cookies and pinned a pdf that i want to read. outlined things I wanted to write about. i am just feeling very lucid today. im feeling tired now. discovered a really good rare salem song and sent it to james and we watched it on our respective tvs. i threw out my hydrangeas. i don't like the opium incense that i got because it kind of smells like piss. all the bodega guys tell me that i have to go to atlantic barclay to the mosque to get oud.

022224 (1143 pm) i had a beautiful day. went to williamsburg and bumped into different shops. got my brazillian wax. it feels so insane to look down at my bare pussy. it seems masculine, like an old general. i feel confident, I don't know if it's just the advertising. felt like a rich woman. spent the other half of my wax allowance on manicure supplies and subway fare. let georgia and kameryn in and we caught up. georgia seems to have mellowed out. it doesn't seem like kameryn is in love with her boyfriend. i made sausage with fennel and kale. had a cookie. i just had another with a glass of milk, i had three today. i can't work out because of the wax. met tess and filmed at gallery. we got himilyan food and caught up. she always pumps my party. she was being critical today. met jerry for drinks. he seems nice, and he was cute but I don't feel fully connected. I was thinking about james. it's a good exercise to get out and practice average conversation. there were a number of beige flags i suppose. i'm just comparing him to james i guess. i think i need a dominant man. the girls all disapprove.

022824 (1228 am) just found out that joe biden had a first wife that had died. enjoyed my day off. meditated, worked out, made butternut squash cacio e pepe, got the depop cashout from selling avery's ricks, remembered things work out, went to chinatown and went deeper than i've ever gone into it, felt kind of like i was sticking out, impulse bought a maid nightgown that turned out to be a full costume with garters, got shimeji mushrooms, spent a long time in the market then got overwhelmed and went to trader joe's, was fairly warm outside, got stuff for tom kha gai, took a shower, texted james sharing songs and adorations, cooked chaotically because my family doesn't really write down recipes, it turned out yummy but not as flavorful, watched curb your enthusiasm, poured a bowl for my yaya's spirit, avery had some, watched some of love is blind and tooled around my computer, we drank hot chocolate and luke told us about his day, i had cried in the morning to avery about how i feel like he doesn't like me, accidentally spilled wax on his carpet while lighting my candle, scrubbed it with boiling water while watching the idiots, i only watch movies when i'm fucking these days, did light cleaning, and light phone time.

030424 (1108 pm) things have been going well. march is a good month. it has been feeling like spring. i have been writing a page of gratitude. this morning i made three meals: my smoothie (spinach, banana, chia, milk, chocolate, and blueberries), butternut squash soup, and miso mushroom stir-fry. it was cutting it a bit close, but I felt proud of myself. james texted me and said that he will be taking me to a fine new york dining establishment and that he would like to make an nft collection with me. a project is like a baby. it made me happy all day and i daydreamed about how to prepare myself. picking up french oil and getting a manicure, will wear tight black dress. my boss was being mean today. to be fair, i suppose that i do make a fair amount of mistakes but largely they are minor. i feel that he overreacts. i also feel a bit annoyed, millenial maybe, with resentment that he never commends the good things that i do which far outnumber the bad. i know the customers by name and i know the wine fridge and am always beautifying the shelves. alas, it is not what i am meant to be doing and it's good to be reminded of that so that i don't get too comfortable. on my break, i ate my stir-fry and then grabbed a red bean paste mochi cake and facetimed jill and heard stories of chicago. it was nice to both be walking down the street in our respective cities; we used to walk together in the same city most weekends. after work, i met up with emma and adam at mominette. i felt bad because they were long finished with their food, regardless, i had french onion soup (delicious and i burnt my tongue) and a glass of skin-contact wine from languedoc. adam told me more about his europe trip while we walked to his place and then i walked to mine and listened to bladee, had to pee really bad. talked to my mom and sister on the phone. sent james a naked picture with bladee lyrics on it. he send me a story to read and it was incredible. i took a shower and it was hard to get out because the hot water felt so good. my pubes are growing back.

030524 (1108 pm) a nice little me-day. i wish it had been sunny; i felt like i was going to get trench foot from my wet ballet flats. i made a delcious avocado toast with a fried egg on top. watched bunny rogers interview and it inspired me. sent emails, worked out, and meditated. talked to my mom on the phone. had soup and grilled cheese for lunch and a mocha. went to adam's; he got me a gig making tik toks for this nft project. he explained it to me and set it up on my phone. it's like a tamagotchi. went to the soho and picked up my nuxe oil (a birthday gift to myself) and went to scentbar. overheard they were hiring and smelled a lot of stuff, took home a santal sample that i'm enjoying on myself rn. went into a closing forever21 but left because it was freaking me out. stopped into codex books; it was really cool but i feel married to the book i'm reading at the moment. i picked up one that reminded me of james and he texted me at that moment. we are really forging love. went to the indian natural grocer and got oud sandalwood incense; to meet the minimum i also got kimchi and a homemade sweet cheeselike dessert block. walked down the street eating my cube and went to the nail salon. i took a long time to decide between the original metallic baby pink i had been thinking of and a fuschia iridescent. i went with baby pink and i'm very happy with it. had all kinds of thoughts at the salon about how bizarre it is. the music was tasteful, commercial relaxing like what you would think. my nail salon in texas had tvs so that you didn't have to think how weird it is that asian women are silently serving you or whatever. ada and i had comfortable silence, and i felt satisfied with my manicure and spent the remainder of the money that james had sent me for dinner the other night. felt like a bourgeois princess all day. also felt kind of gross with my skirt trailing in the mud and having a bit of a restricted mindset about money. when i got home, luke avoided me like the plague. i took out the trash and did dishes and cleaned the moroccan oil that spilled in my room. i dry brushed to this experimental noise music and sent james a naked picture. i took a shower and felt grateful for my life. i made a better grilled cheese and mixed the soup with kale. luke wouldn't reply to my text about accepting the apple tv two-factor for me to install mubi. i feel frustrated but it's best if i choose not to care. i did a load of laundry and picked up my room. james texted me a story from the thing he's working on, and then another. the first was good stuff. i made a dessert of blended blueberry, coconut milk, and cocoa. i gnawed the chunks of solidified coconut milk. the blueberries are perfectly ripe. have kind of just been in bed texting james. i put on the oil and my new perfume and flossed and brushed my teeth. i feel very beautiful but will curb myself from becoming too obsessed with superficial things.

030624 (1126 am) prayed, called cvs, and did yoga. working through feelings of rejection about luke. avery is cooking dinner for him and eddy tonight and i don't want to be around it. i noticed last night that he hasn't replied the last four times that i've texted him. i'm upset because home feels charged with hostility. maybe it's dramatic, but i feel like he pretends that i don't exist. i don't know whether to confront, retreat, or not care and let it pass. i'm still so angry and i want it to pass. i thought about how he always scurries to his room when i'm in his vicinity. fucking pussy. that's very ugly -- i repent. (1150 pm) i wasn't completely able to shake my anger when i got home or when i described things to sierra after work. work was alright. brian bought me a coffee and that was nice. he gave me banana bread too and only got mad at me like twice. finished the day with a sardinian red. felt kind of anxious and off all day. i don't need to overthink it; i've been dying with excitment for dinner with james. i wonder if it will change things at all (was thought with fear, not hope). i feel wary of getting comfortable or falling into routine. i also have my thoughts if i should be a lesbian. it's hard to keep track of anything in my mind with my ocd and forgetfulness. i fuck up at work because i mindlessly do things. i think the key to everything is breathwork; that will be my intention for tomorrow.

031024 (1022 pm) daylight savings happened and i didn't even notice. woke up next to james and we played with his cat in the morning and lied in bed for hours. he needed to get new tires. we ate the leftover thai and talked about potentially watching another episode tonight. i went to trader joe's. i always end up going on sunday even though it's technically the worst day to go. i got a reasonable amount of things. finished the death in june album. walked towards marcy but stopped in whole foods. ran into emma and her family clandestinely. they were just using the bathroom but it filled my heart. i got a potted hyancinth and a small can of water chesnuts. my bags were heavy and it was drizzling. a french child smiled at me probably because i was holding flowers. i finished state of grace on the train. talked to mom, anny, and dad on the phone when i got home. drank water and excelled at chores. made tom kha with shrimp. it was much better this time because i headed my mother's advice. rewatched the begininng of worst person in the world while i ate. dry brushed and showered. made my bed and wrote about my date with james on thursday. mom reminded me on the phone today that it's important to be chased. i ate the rest of my blueberries for dessert. i meant to confront luke while we were home alone but didn't want to mess up my own vibes. my room is clean and now i can go to bed early.

031124 (1125 pm) i woke up in throughout the night because there was (still is) intense wind blowing outside my window. i woke up early because of the gained daylight? drank coffee and was on my phone and laptop just scrolling. made feta egg on toast. worked my way up to a 20 min workout. felt grateful for my beautiful body. rinsed off and made more coffee and read joy williams's notes on state of grace. ate leftover tom kha (it's always so good the more it marinates). took a fit pic and posted it on my story with a picture of sarah snyder beside me. walked to work in the intense wind. had a long wait for the bus, but it was sunny. i looked at shoes while i waited and on the ride. was a bit late. manifested a pot for my hyacinth. brian only got mad at me once or twice. i spent a good deal of time out making deliveries which was nice. i got tips and sun and excercise and a cookie (it was overly salted). my nipples were chaffing from my dress. i think that i'll try and sell it tomorrow. they seriously were hurting so bad. i also was concerned about not being able to feel the strings of my iud. eve gave womenfolk these problems. i ate a good deal of the sweet potato in the park and enjoyed that it was still light out. i lost my headphones while at work. james texted me to help him decide about the cover of his book. he told me that i'm a genius. i facetimed my dad and half siblings. avery texted me and asked how i was. we talked and it was much needed. i told her that i apologize and also resent her for being in the middle when I am having conflict with friends who prefer her. she told me that luke and eddy had proposed that I not be at dinner at our house the other night. i explained how that hurt my feelings. i cried a little and at one point threw out that maybe i should move out and find somewhere else. i realized today that i often find myself in spaces that are hostile ie) home, work. even with james, he loves me but seems to get frustrated. on my end, i think it comes to me needing to slow down and exhibit more care in the things that i say and do. i texted in the roommate groupchat that we have a check in on our vibes. much to do tomorrow.

031224 (0858 pm) i feel liek people are waiting for me to do something interesting. i have a headache. i hada wondeful day. went straight to planned parenthood in noho to get my iud checked out. i spent my time waiting on my phone and reading a young girl's diary by freud. it was delightfully sunny and i walked around. tried to sell a dress. texted my mom. she sent me money to go get lunch. i went to this cuban place and sat outside eating elote and citrus pork burito. almost went to tribeca for a gig. went to indian grocery store and got two patchouli candles for leah and i and one frankencinse and myhrr one for my mom. the guy gave me a little discount because i asked. springtime just feels really right. sat on a stoop waiting for a call for this artist i might help in their studio. i'm kind of suprised girls r still doing slicked back hair and brows w big headphones. went to fort greene and picked flowers in the park, only the ones hanging over the fence. picked out a wine at the wine shop. i lost my headphones while i was making deliveries on monday. got home and gussied the apartment and dry brushed hydrated and showered. james texted less and it made me feel a little anxious. took a nap while it was bright and kept snoozing my alarm. had roommate meeting and things are much more clear and better. we all ate miso salmon together. i watched quartet and james called me his doe. i've been into all those little names lately. i went on an idle phone deep dive because i am too cold and tired to get out of bed. will brush teeth now.

031424 (1013 pm) i've become a bit of a consumer. acknowleging that. theory of the young girl.

032724 (0101 pm) i feel very very loved. it has been my birthday for shy of a week. i have been blessed by god. i have been showered with affection, flowers, meals, well wishes, and clothing. i am so effing grateful.

040224 (0141 pm) ok revisiting easter because it was a beautiful day. at night i have either been too busy having sex or too tired to write in this diary. i'm also trying out figma for a visual component. i honestly could insert images in here if i look up code to copy and paste. again, there's the fork of primping or lucidity. ok, easter:::::: slept in too late to meet emma at church in park slope like we had planned. i hustled to find an 11 am service and ended up going alone. my outfit was precious: cream lace betsy johnson dress, brandy melville headband, maryam nude ballet shoes, and maryam woven rhubarb purse. james lost his mind at the dress. i had avery take a full body and sent the fit pics to the whole family and felt manic. i trotted down the street telling the downtrodded by the dumpster, "happy easter." we had favorable weather as well. i went to grace church, where i had gone twice over the summer. i listened to some of the new vampire weekend EP on the walk from astor. there was a line outside of the church and i posted something stupid on instagram. i had a short pew to myself. there were plenty of young people which made me glad to see. there were boys in suits and i thought of my boyfriend and wished he were there. the church is generally very gorgeous and I found myself moved by its beauty. the pastor told an anecdote about seeing a young couple making love under the magnolia tree on the grounds. the reading was from john and covered mary magdalene finding jesus's tomb empty except for his burial garments and two angels, and then seeing him and mistaking him for a gardener. i was really into it and sketched along on the back of the bulletin listing who flowers were donated by. every easter, i like to make some work of art. soli deo gloria. i have determined that will be how i sign on all my longform art, like bergman. my nails look like shit, wow. anyways. i got my blessing from an elderly pastor who had that smell that old people have of fermentation. it was very sweet. the postlude was excellent toccata opus 42. i recorded a voice memo of it and sent to james. i took videos of the magnolia tree on my way out. i met up with emma squared and tess. we sat at this café in the sun. they also admired my outfit and i was saying off the rails things. got a capuccino and the worst salad of all time. we went back to theirs to eat and then to the botanical gardens. tess and i tried to get in for free and it didn't work. i took it as an opportunity to go home and get ready for sierra's reading. the getting ready process was frantic. i took a two minute shower and then destroyed my room looking for the perfect thing to wear under my sheer white burberry dress. james weighed in and told me to take my time, which i appreciated. i headed to him wearing black bralette, vintage garter shorts, the rosary my stalker gave me, and my tabis. we kissed right away. he looked incredible, wearing a white button up, khakis, and brown loafers. he made martinis while i played with puppet. i drank two large glasses of water because i have been profusely dehydrated from my post birthday bender. we went out on the deck and watched the sunset. felt peace. felt that initial fear of his unhappiness. he reiterated many times how good I looked. he told me later in the night, that if he had seen me out like that and we weren't together he would have been really upset. there was a nice moment where a bird and plane intersected on the same line in the sky. the sunset was pretty concentrated. the martinis were strong and we smoked cigarettes and reiterated how much we love each other. i got up and danced to burning through the night. we split a martini before leaving. we got there on time and the event was wildly attended. we walked up to sierra and cara, tess and romy came up. peter was talking about finances. james led me inside. it was packed to the brim, but we saw two seats in the front row and just took them. it felt very clutch and james joked that we were sitting courtside. cara's piece was about dating. commentary after concluded that she wants people to know that she fucks. i enjoyed the piece and its scientific and consumer jargon. sierra absolutely shone and read from eliza is not dead. i felt like i was being taken through the prologue of a movie. she wore the joker top as i said she should and i felt proud. olivia did a manifestation hypnosis style poetry reading. she started with giving everyone motivationally inscribed rocks. she remembered my name and that touched me. we had to give the rocks back though. nastasia read from her novel, a coming of age family scene. i had to piss so bad. i really was going to explode when chris went on. she was endearing with her style of speech and quaint piece about a 50s housewife. mingled for a second before going to clandestino with james to piss. this is when he told me that thing. we shared the bathroom, made out. i realized that aspect of a relationship where you can really just go everywhere together. turtle doves or those dragonflies that fly ontop of each other. i had a negroni and something else. a cigarette outside. connor had broken up with her boyfriend, or they are on a break or something. i made decent conversation. we went to forgetmenot where everyone else was. james's sf friend was there and he told him that we were also going to the oneotrix show. james was manic when he pulled me into that equation, emphasizing the we. we all talked music for a second. i sat with chloe and met nastassia. checked in with sierra and lola, we went to sit by kyle. drank beer. he had his non-alcoholic beer. i went back to james and then to chloe. i ordered a watermelon marg to match the other girls at the table. it was delicious, definitely didn't need it. we went outside and smoked cigarettes with the boys. i urged them to find a suitor for lola. the cigarettes were chinese. we went back inside. lola left. found that nastassia was really nice and friendly. then she went over to talk to james. i got really jealous, and looked at him and mouthed 'i am jealous' until i felt he saw. i hope no one else saw. i didn't eat dinner and neither did the boys. the four of us, james, kyle, sierra, and I went back. it felt natural. we watched death note and ate mcdonalds. i was starting to fade into drunk sleep. i came back to life for sex. we both fell asleep before it concluded and i woke up at 5 am and took my meds and went back to sleep. in the morning, we had really fire sex. while brushing teeth, i started to talk about my dreams and he slipped a finger inside of me. my dreams were really quite strange. the first was a dream within a dream. james was having this party, but i wanted it to be just us and so did he. he was on lots of drugs. at some point he asked me to point out the girl that i thought was the most beautiful and he would photograph them. i pointed to this petite blonde with a bob and blue eyes. she saw him take the picture and sneakily pursued him by pretending she had put her bag in his room. note the layout of the house is not the same as waking life. i found them making out and begged them to stop angrily. they were not receptive. i told james that if this is what he wants, to be with other people, i don't need to be in his life. to prove his love for me, he fucked me on the floor in front of her. she felt left out and touched my clit while he thrusted. i pushed her hand away. i was still upset for the rest of the night. that was all a dream within the dream of us in a hotel. then i had this recurring dream of the last quarter of this ebola movie where i knew everyone was going to die. i told him all of this breathlessly in spurts as we moved to the bed and began to fuck. i rode him and moved my hips in circles, cumming lightly and frequently. he came on top of me. washed off. got coffee. came back and silently did digital stuff next to each other.

040924 (1216 am) i think i'm going to use this as my before bed diary. i just thought something crazy. i thought about james and my kids running around in towels after getting out of the water. we had a really good last couple of days. i slept over everyday since thursday. it is nice to be back in routine though, taking care of my things. the eclipse charged me. i was scared of it this morning. i kept thinking about the movie melancholia and what zans had said about it having dark energy. i watched it on the roof with my boss and his friends. we drank moon themed wines and had cheese, crackers, and wild boar pate. i had cried in the morning, in the sunshine, in james's car because i reacted negatively when he told me that he was going to send me off to the park before work. ultimately, i cried because i am scared of how much i love him and worried i will come down being apart. he said aw, baby and told me that i am all he wants. i prayed profusely during the eclipse. i held a little crucifix and the selenite heart that tess gave me. it was not as dramatic as i thought it'd be, but it was still beautiful. i am dramatic and also beautiful.

041024 (1050 am) tracking boyfriend on phone, shopping on computer.

041624 (1050 am) who's business is it that i'm rotting. i'm scared i will be left behind. i have been very happy lately actually. i just don't know what to do for money. i can work for an individual, a company, myself. i can work in tangible goods or digital goods.

041724 (1051 pm) woke up with james. i made a fried egg and put it on toast. talked to my mom for an hour or so. sent more info to a staffing agency. went to yoga. i got a cocojune yogurt from wegman's. missed my stop on the train and walked from canal st to essex st. it was lightly raining and my phone was dying. i felt like i was seeing good things. i slipped and skinned my knuckles. i stopped into this chinese store and took a look at some lanterns. i browsed a vintage shop. tried on this romeo gigli top. went to trader joe's and got a pretty good haul. took a shower and washed my hair and masturbated. took pictures and sent them to james. made a green pea puree risotto with italian sausage. thomas came over and we talked music video. i told a white lie that i told my dad i'd call him so he would leave. cleaned the kitche, made tea, spent time with avery and paid rent.

042024 (1109 pm) james and I spent the night at a hotel for the first time last night because my period blood stained through his sheets to his topper which needed thorough drying. we went to stephen's forty something-eth birthday at TJ Byrnes. They had hired a midget Elvis impersonator who finished by shouting TRUMP 2024 and performing My Way by Frank Sinatra. When I put things in to words, I remember that my life is crazy. I met alanna champion and she has a perfect nose. I forgot she went to school with Thomas. I respectfully hung back while James and his brother caught up. I felt a little lost. This lamb needs a body of work and purpose. Are those even supposed to be prereqs for partying? At the end of the night, James said: I have my pomegranate (terracotta thing Alex and Chloe brought him back from Italy) and my girl, Let's go to the Moxy. I'm not longer going to write sexual stuff in this diary now. We watched some Tik Tok before bed. A girl salvaged greek yogurt from the bottom of the container, multiplying it elaborately. In the morning, we got bagels at Leo. We combined the Heirloom tomato and the Lox half and half. The cinammon raisin was missed. We walked back holding hands and laid on his couch for a while. I redownloaded are.na and played with Puppet. He called me a car to work. I sat in the park for a second before listening to the new Drake song and texting my parents. I have decided that I want the best for my bosses and will leave them all better. After work, I picked up my card and Jame's pomegranate that we left at the bar. I picked flowers in the dark. The bar maid was very kind and there was one old man. I had gotten lunch at a similarly vacant Mexican restaurant. I took a shower. James called and said he's going out but will join me at church tomorrow. I used the night for self care and enrichment. I put in curlers, drank my cocoa, watched a lecture, texted my mom, and painted my nails.

042324 (1253 pm) i have car crash hands. I slipped and scraped my knuckles walking in Chinatown on a rainy day. I just painted my nails baby blue as a diversion. I had an hour long phone call with my mom. She told me that I need to define what it is I want. I retort that I need money and that it has been hard applying for a year now. I had the same conversation with emma on sunday night. I cried because it has been hard. I feel rejection from companies. I am the scorned unrequited lover of companies. On occasion, individuals have taken me on and thrown me a wage. I explain social media to confused boomers. I am very fond of them. We all have our strengths. Emma also expressed concern about my relationship.

042524 (0632 pm) i am at Happier Grocery cosplaying that I am a part of the workforce. I had the nicely plated California roll tray and a chai au lait and have no one to send any emails to.

050124 (1104 pm) when i am without him it feels like i'm missing something. it's less like obsession and more like integration. i cry whenever we don't hang out. he gets into bad moods, like tonight and needs to be alone. it makes me feel rejected in someway. it's probably because i've romantically been alone all of my life that i don't want to spend much more time like that. maybe it also just upsets me when the expectation i have is that we will hang out and we don't. it's a very womanly way of thinking, but i feel like i prepare for our time together. i mean he does as well. but the way our places in life are, i go to him. i pack my things. cute clothes, extra panties, and medicine.